Take Your Controller to Lunch Week

There is no doubt that our nation’s air traffic controllers have had a rough go of it lately. Heck, they have had a tough row to hoe for quite a while now. With the mandatory overtime, low staffing, and even lower morale, it is hard to get a chuckle or a lilting, flirty laugh out of any of them.

The government most likely has plans to improve controller morale using the time-tested method that many corporate heads use—a really cool pizza party. Of course, with the government shut down and all, it is unlikely that Pizza Hut will be getting a phone call anytime soon. 

I imagine that most controllers would most appreciate having a paycheck issued to them on time. That is a ridiculous notion that stretches reality to its breaking point. Unlike the United States Congress, which continues to be paid, our unpaid ATC folks are clipping Arby’s coupons and searching for side gigs to make money after they finish their 60 hours of volunteer work for the FAA.

Now is the time for us pilots to pony up, stand tall, and help the situation. Let’s declare next week to be “Take a Controller to Lunch” week.

It may sound like a futile gesture, but it would help in at least two ways. One, if you have your lunch at Pizza Hut, it will really help them out since they lost that big government ATC party order.

Second, the controller would get a free lunch—something that Robert Heinlein said there was no such thing as in his 1966 novel, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. He came to this discovery after going for a meal with his literary agent to the famous Russian Tea Room in Manhattan and being stiffed with the check.

This outing with your favorite “Scope Dope” would give them a much-needed free meal, and it would probably change the world as we know it. 

Lesser efforts have started greater movements. For example, moving so many controllers from New York to Philadelphia was considered by FAA management during an all-you-can-eat nacho happy hour at the Buffalo Wild Wings in D.C.

Here are a few hints and ideas to make your “date” with an emotionally and financially fragile Tin Mover a success:

When you take your “clearance buddy” to lunch, please don’t be alarmed if they fall asleep at some point. They have had to work way too many shifts lately, and some shut-eye might do them good. 

A quiet place is where you want to take them. That adds to the aforementioned sleeping issue, but a place with no loud music, flashing multiple TV screens, and strobe lights would go a long way to relieving that eye twitch and nervous laugh you noticed when you picked them up for your lunch date.

Speak quietly but firmly to them. If two or more of you pilots take a controller to lunch, try not to talk over each other. Controllers hate that.

Use of the phonetic alphabet is recommended. If, for example, you want to order the “Number nine lunch” at El Guapo’s restaurant, be sure to say “niner” when you ask for it. 

Most controllers speak English, but they would appreciate it if you kept your comments and phrasing short and straightforward. Asking them to “please pass the ketchup” should probably be phrased “Request direct Heinz.”

As you converse, it might be a good idea to introduce them to some of the modern changes that have occurred outside of their tower or center. Some controllers were flabbergasted beyond their ability to cope when they discovered that the computer world had moved on from Windows 95, that printers now used inkjets instead of dot-matrix printers, and that the monitors were able to display color.

Please, and this is very important, take the time to listen to what they say without interrupting them. Their worries and concerns may seem somewhat trivial, but they are not a sky god like you, and they really need to get this stuff off their chests. 

Fight the urge to speak when they rant and only answer with an “Ident” after they are done, so they know you heard them.

This lunch will go well beyond the usual 15 minutes they are allowed in their ATC break rooms, and before too long, you will notice that your controller pal is a little tired and out of sorts.

If your federally employed lunch buddy falls asleep on the ride back to the tower, let them rest. They still have an afternoon shift and then an all-night shift to perform before the FAA once again releases them, blinking in the sunlight for their mandatory 11 hours free of duty.